funemployed (for now)
on the strange pressure to “make it count” when you finally have nothing to do.
Today, I am free. My calendar is blank. No meetings, no Teams notifications. No one looking for me, no one relying on me.
Yesterday was my last day at my corporate job; today I am technically “funemployed.” I start a new role in a couple of weeks, which means I have this rare, one-week window with nothing on my calendar. Instead of basking in the freedom, I woke up exhausted and anxious, my brain frantically searching for a to-do list it no longer has.
Everyone keeps asking if I’m relieved, if I’m celebrating, if I have some big plan for my first day of freedom. And I want to say yes, that I’m drinking champagne at noon or finally writing this fucking book I keep talking about. But the truth is: it’s only day one. There’s time to relax, to reset, to figure out what to do with this in-between.
Still, there’s pressure to make it count—to live it up, to prove I’m doing this right. And instead, I just feel stuck. Freedom isn’t always relaxing when you’ve been trained to equate busyness with value. My brain is still looking for metrics to measure myself against, even when there aren’t any. It’s like if I don’t have work, I don’t have worth. I know that’s not true. I don’t want to fill this space just to fill it. But I haven’t yet figured out how to sit in it, either.
The usual insecurities bubble up: Did I make the wrong choice? Am I going to regret this? What if everyone secretly hated me and is glad I left? What if, what if, what if? Never logical, never rational. And yet.
I’m plagued with decision fatigue and don’t know where to start. There are home projects calling to me, but I’m resisting the urge to be productive. Sitting down with a show feels wrong, and I’m in the biggest reading slump of my life. I just need my brain to chill the fuck out.
So here I am, sitting with my anxious, restless brain on my first day of freedom. Trying not to doomscroll, trying not to fill the space just because it’s there. Trying to sit with the sudden quiet after years of noise. (Let’s just say I’m blasting music in my living room right now.)
Maybe I’ll try this relaxing thing again tomorrow.
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– Ash xo